It’s 4am and I’m awake again. I’m not going to lie, I’m completely exhausted. I’ve been waking up at this time for what seems like forever but I can’t fall back asleep anymore. Now, when I wake up, my thoughts wander and I can’t get away from them. A wave of unbelievable sadness starts to fall over me and its like I can’t breathe. I think I’ve cried though all of the tears my eyes can muster. I honestly don’t think there’s anything left. So I escape. I escape into the office at 4am and throw myself into my song. It’s literally the only thing that helps me breathe again because this pain is so unbearable and I just don’t know what to do to make it go away.
But my song…my song makes even the tiniest part of it go away, even for a second, and those seconds are literally what gets me through the day. Now, when these painful thoughts sore through my head, I just start humming the lines I wrote. It puts my thoughts in place. Keeps them from floating around from one thought to the next. It keeps them focused. And I really need to be focused right now.
It’s ironic how up until one week ago, it felt like there wasn’t enough time in the day to get things done. The days seemed to be endlessly filled no matter what I tried to do. Now, they seem so empty. I think I’ve blown through practically everything that I can do, unless I start redesigning the house. I could do that. I just need some money to fall from the sky any day now and I’ll jump straight on that. Trust me. Anything to keep me busy.
It doesn’t help that I’m still in so much physical pain from the D&C I had on Friday. It’s been almost a week and whenever I’m doing too much, my stomach begins cramping for hours and it’s just a painful reminder over and over again about why. It’s such a two edged sword. Do too little and I just sit around crying. Do too much, and I’m in extreme pain for the rest of the day. Either way, I lose.
Anyways, I don’t know if there was really an end for this blog post. I think it’s time I continue working on my song. It should be done soon. I’d really like to share it. At the same time, I wish working on it would never end because the second it stops, I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m sure I’ll find something… it will probably be making my entire house on Cinema4D with furniture included and redesigning every room of this house. That will most definitely keep me occupied for months. Maybe by then, this feeling will have gone away because I’ll have distracted myself so much that I’ll just move on.
Move on. It feels like everyone else has. It’s been a week and I feel like everyone expects me to be smiling and be okay. I’m not okay. I’ve been alone with my son most of this week and it’s been killing me. No one has been here and it’s just felt so empty. I spend almost every day with our son reminding me, “Baby gone” and running off to what would’ve been the baby’s room to “paint baby room”. It’s not his fault. He doesn’t understand. Or maybe he does but he still knows in his heart that the room he’s painting will one day be the room of our rainbow baby, whenever that may be. I think I’ll try to think of it that way. Maybe it will make it hurt less…I just need it all to hurt less. I was folding laundry the other day and it was keeping me busy. And then I came across the shirt. The Big Bro shirt we got for Bailey. I think what makes it even more painful is knowing that we saw the baby on a sonogram just days before I announced…and yet, they said it was two weeks. Which means he was probably wearing that shirt for the announcement after the baby was already gone, and I just didn’t know. I just didn’t know.
Great. Now I’m crying again. See? I should’ve just gone and worked on my song like I originally planned. The hardest part of a missed miscarriage is knowing that I went weeks thinking everything was fine. Two weeks of planning and announcing and enjoying…I feel like if they had said the baby’s heart stopped beating a day before or two days before, it would hurt just a little less. I don’t know if that’s true, but it feels true. I at least wouldn’t get so nauseous thinking about all of the things I was excitedly doing for those two weeks. I would feel like I did them with a baby still living inside of me…not the other way. Not the way it was.
I normally like ending my blogs with some uplifting statement to try to give a light at the end of the tunnel but tonight, I’m all out of lanterns and flashlights. This tunnel is dark tonight and I suppose it’s going to be for a while. I’ll probably be stumbling over rocks and trying to claw my way out of this dark cave for who knows how long. But I will eventually find a flashlight. I have to. And maybe when I finally find it, I’ll come out of the cave and the rain will have stopped and there it will be, a beautiful rainbow waiting for us.
Chow Chow, I can’t imagine anyone thinking that you should have “moved on” by now. They’d have to be a numbskull. But either way, it doesn’t matter. You will process this in your own time, in your own way. The rain will stop, the clouds will part, and the sun will shine brightly once again.
People struggle in knowing what to say or do when others go through a rough time. Emotions run high and their well intentioned words fall flat or fail epically, as mine did yesterday. Often mixed messages are being sent out to those who care….a push/pull. At moments the feeling of wanting to be alone and then the need for company. The need to talk, the need for silence, both alternating with the need to live life in the present. The best we can do is take our cues from you.
At 18 (car accident), I learned the reality that other’s peoples lives go on even if my world stops. It was hard to learn, and I felt alone. But, it all makes sense. We all are living our own lives, as we should. And life keeps moving on. Bills keep coming, classes continue, and other responsibilities and opportunities keep coming our way. And maybe that even helps to get us back on our road.
Thanks for sharing your very heartfelt song with R and I. You mean the world to us (Dad too!).
I love you very much.
Mwow Chow
Sent from my iPhone
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