The Many Emotions of Moving Across the World

Excited. Terrified. Calm. Anxious. Happy. Depressed.

It’s amazing how one change can cause so many emotions in such a short period of time. I feel like every 24 hours is a rollercoaster as I experience all of these emotions at any given hour… or even minute.

We spent the past week in New Zealand setting up our brand new home and with every piece of furniture we got, I felt this giddy excitement race through my body.

I can’t wait to settle into this house. It’s beautiful and our new furniture will complete starting this new chapter of our lives. We’ll have barbecues in the backyard with friends and family. I’ll bake while the kids sit on bar stools at the island counter and help. Our kids will play with their cousins and get to bond. I could picture our lives.

We walked down two minutes to the beach and I stared out at the ocean. Wow, it’s peaceful here, I thought to myself. We’ll walk down here with the kids and they can play in the sand and build sand castles. I could feel this calm wash over my body. This beautiful place is going to be my new home. How lucky am I? I could feel the happiness beaming throughout my body.

But as quickly as the excitement came, the terror was just as fast to swoop in. We’re moving. I don’t know this neighborhood. I don’t know these streets. I don’t know the neighbors. I love where we currently live. I love our home. I love our neighborhood. I love walking with our son to school.

And then came the anxiety attack. I don’t know where to get any of the food for my five million allergies. I don’t know any restaurants I love. I don’t know the good areas. The bad areas. I don’t fucking know any of the areas to be honest. I’m not remotely used to the rain. Oh god. Am I supposed to drive in the rain while learning to drive on the opposite side of the road? The school looks amazing but what if they’re putting our son in the wrong grade and he’s behind? Or what if he’s ahead and bored to tear?

And then the depression hit and I cried. We’re leaving. We’re leaving our home. We’re leaving our…everything. So much is changing.

Some days it feels so fast… can’t we just slow down and hold onto what we have for a little longer? But other days, it feels so darn slow. Can’t we just turn the page already and be in this new chapter?

I feel like my emotions are every where at any given second and I can’t predict how I’ll feel in the blink of an eye.

And then comes the pressure. When my husband and I moved from Colorado to California, I was allowed to be a total wreck. I could cry and dwell and mourn the life I was leaving behind while I also could be excited about the future. I could feel it all.

But now, I have two kids. I feel like for them, I just need to bury all of my fears and anxiety and only share the excitement. I don’t want them to know I’m terrified. There’s so much change ahead of us all and they’re going to need me to help them through the adjustment.

It’s the little things that trigger me: like our kids favorite meals or snacks that don’t exist in New Zealand. Will they completely melt down? I know they’ll adjust eventually but I just want something to be simple and easy when we arrived. I want something to feel like a piece of home for them… for all of us, honestly.

Right now it feels like nothing will be the same. It will all be so different.

It’s exciting. It’s terrifying. It’s exhilarating. It’s exhausting.

It’s change.