Life in Stepping Stones

From a young age, there was nothing I envisioned more than following my dreams and becoming a singer.

It turns out, you can have all the dreams you want but you can’t predict what may happen on your path to making them come true. Sometimes life has other plans. Since I was a little girl, there is truly only one dream that has always been there. That was, and still is, to be a singer. When I think about everything I’ve done, my biggest regret is never following my dreams and pursuing my music as an adult.

My love of music is one that has never faltered. It has been with me since I was trying to sing before I could even talk. It was there when I had my first kiss and when I got married.

But somewhere along the way, life took over and my passion took a backseat. Not even a backseat. At some point, for quite a while, it wasn’t even on the same road as me.

Singing Before I Could Talk

I love looking back at my old baby videos. So much of a person’s soul is right there, out in the opened, when they’re that young. Honestly, that’s why I keep lists of both of my kids traits now. I want to see how much holds true when they’re grown.

Before I could talk, or walk, I was bobbing on the couch to the Sesame Street theme song, trying to sing along. My daughter is the same as I was. She only has a handful of words in her vocabulary but half of them are part of the lyrics to songs from her favorite TV show, Shimmer and Shine.

When I was in elementary school, my friend and I would sing and dance on what we called, The Hill. A tiny hill on our school playground that was more of a slope than an actual hill. We would perform from The Sound of Music, singing “The Hills are Alive…” and I would hope someone would hear me and tell me how amazing I was. I love the innocence and confidence of being 6 years old. I would sing while swinging on the playground, hoping the cute boy I liked would instantly fall in love with me. It worked for Ariel after all.

Writing My First Songs

I began writing songs inspired by who knows what. I’m assuming watching Party of Five with my family, mixed with the innocence of being a kid, created the storylines for my songs. Still, I had some pretty solid themes going, even if the tune sometimes went haywire and the lyrics left much to be desired. Amazingly, I still have segments memorized. That’s how often I sang them.

“You push me to the bottom of the list. You push me down, I can feel like I’m last on the list. I can see it in the way you treat me. I can feel it in the way you never hang around me. It used to be every night and day that we saw each other. But now, it’s never one word, unless you’ve got everything else completed.”

“Last on the List” lyrics – circa 1999

You Chose…Poorly: Auditioning for Talent Shows

At some point, after practicing Evita numerous times, I tried out for the school talent show. At the time, I thought I wasn’t selected because I ”wasn’t good enough”. Now, looking back, it probably had more to do with the teachers I auditioned for being horrified seeing a 7 year old sing and dance to ”I’d Be Surprisingly Good for You.” Obviously, I had no idea what the song was about, but I loved the tune. Clearly ”Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” would’ve been a safer choice, but I regress. I made the same error again in middle school, but this time auditioning with my own song, Temptation. You can guess how well that went over too.

Over time and without a lack of opportunities, I developed stage fright. That once confident little girl singing ”The Sound of Music” on the playground for all of my peers to witness was afraid of rejection. Despite my fears, my love of music was stronger than that. When my friends would ask me to sing, I would still perform for them at the drop of a hat. A big crowd may have scared me, but ultimately, I was still dreaming about singing on tour, in front of millions.

I spent my elementary school years designing pretend album covers for all of my songs and in 5th grade, my best friend recorded a music video for me, singing a song we co-wrote called, “Remodeling”. We were so proud and spent hours taking photos for the album cover.

The Summer of 2004

13 Years Old in a Makeshift Recording Booth

During the summer of 2004, when I was 13, my parents let me record my songs for the very first time.

And they were truly terrible.

I had refused voice lessons, the songs were hardly Taylor Swift lyrics, and I of course, thought it was all amazing.

I had been writing songs since I could hold a pencil and I had big dreams to get on stage and sing (regardless of my terrible stage fright).

The recording studio was a bizarre experience, but one I loved in that moment. My parents flew me out to California for my very first flight alone. My uncle had a friend who had built a studio in his house. I say the word “built” lightly. It was a three sided wooden box with soundproofing foam and a microphone set up, placed in the living room. But at 13, I was beyond impressed.

Is That Still My Song?

I recorded my songs “Sense Drop” and “Come from Within”. Both horrifically written and sung.

“Can you feel the rain? Can you see the rainbow? Can you hear the wind? Can you taste the snow? Can you smell the heat? Your senses are dropping all the time. I feel like I’m losing you.”

“Sense Drop” lyrics – circa 2004

I was disappointed at the time because the background music the producer had created, changed the tune of my song. Being 13 and completely alone during the experience though, I had no idea how to stand up for myself. Eventually, I convinced myself to come around to the new version.

Upon returning home with a finished product in hand, I proudly played the songs for my choir class full of kids who thought I was going to be the next big superstar.

Middle schoolers can be easily impressed, what can I say?

Round Two in 2005

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

A year later, my parents sent me back to LA to record with that same producer from the year before.

This time my attitude was different…and so was the studio.

Since I had last visited, this producer had built out an actual studio on the side of his house. I was no longer in a box, but an actual sound booth.

With stars in my eyes, I felt like my dreams were finally coming true. But there was a hitch: I still wasn’t writing the chords or any basic instrumentals for my songs, and this producer was hardly a musical genius.

He created the background tracks for each of my songs, but once again, he had completely changed the tunes, sometimes turning lyrics into spoken words. I even have vague memories of him trying to get me to rap them.

“Everybody’s judging from the style of my hair. Everybody’s looking at what I wear. Everybody’s judging from my outside skin. They should be looking at what’s within.”

“Within” lyrics – 2005

Standing Up For My Creative Vision

This time though, I was a confident 14 year old, about to enter high school, and I wanted to stand up for my music. I was so proud of myself for taking a stand and fighting for what I wanted. I left the studio, confident that I would have the music I wanted. Looking back, I was incredibly naive. I have no clue why I thought he would create the background tracks after I had already recorded the vocals.

In the end, while he had “agreed” to let me keep the style and tunes of my music, I ended up with only one song having background music, while the rest was a cappella.

I was incredibly disappointed in the end result. I had tried pushing to have more done but as a young teenager, there wasn’t much I could do.

Beginning Voice Lessons

I was so excited for my very first voice lesson. I believed in my talent and assumed, as most 15 year olds do, that I didn’t have much to learn.

When I met my first voice coach, she introduced me to her entire house of cats. Two which were named Lucy and Desi, after I Love Lucy characters. As a fan of old sitcoms, I had assumed this was a perfect match.

Unfortunately, that couldn’t have been further from the truth. As the months went by, I started to loathe going to lessons, hoping I could find a way out of them. My teacher was classically trained, did not believe in pushing the limits, and made vocal exercises seem more like a punishment than an important training tool.

Not Every Teacher is Meant to Be a Teacher

I was 16 years old when I walked into what would be my final lesson. Like any other lesson, I arrived, ready to sing. What I got instead was a bizarre interrogation about my future.

The conversation began with simple questions about where I saw myself in 10 years, but somehow turned into a lecture on my flaws. She criticized my difficulties with following rhythm, and told me that I would never be able to perform if I didn’t fix it. She then went on to berate my health issues as obstacles that would keep me from succeeding. After fully demoralizing me, she asked me my backup plans and pointed out that as an adult I wouldn’t be able to be on my parent’s health insurance plan.

Looking back, I’m not sure what exactly was going on in her life to begin this conversation with a 16 year old, but I’m guessing she got a health insurance bill she was not pleased with.

She finished her lecture informing me that to succeed, I’d need a “special something” and not everybody can be the next Mariah Carey.

I went home that day and quit, not because I didn’t love singing anymore, but because I refused to be humiliated by my voice coach. I was dealing with enough of that in my life in the school system (read Confessions from a High School Dropout). This was the one situation I could actually take control of.

The Best Voice Coach in the World

It took a year, but eventually I found the most awesome voice coach in the world. Pilar Morgan, the owner of Vocal Intensive Studios in New York, was just beginning her business in Denver. My mom called her up and explained to her my previous experience before setting up a lesson.

Not only did Pilar make my lessons fun, she pushed me and helped me grow into the musician I am now. I remember hating warmups before I began with Pilar. But soon, they quickly became my favorite part of the lessons.

Not only did I gain an incredible mentor, I gained a lifelong friend. Her belief in me, and my talent, is the reason I eventually could hit the same high notes as Mariah Carey. I couldn’t have done it without her.

The Experience I Was Always Looking For

In late 2008, I got the chance to record a new song of mine, “Mystical Vibe”, at a small studio in Denver. This time, I had an incredibly talented musician helping me with the background track and Pilar, guiding me in the studio.

My vocals were still nowhere near where they needed to be, but that experience helped me learn the importance of rhythm and vocal control. Not to mention, as a teenager, it was extremely important to learn to listen and work with others.

I learned to compromise when I needed to, but also to stand up for my vision when it mattered the most.

I struggled a lot with rhythm still and it was nearly impossible for me to follow the beat to my own tune. Somehow though, with the patience of Pilar and my producer, I managed to get through it and I felt so accomplished.

“I see the shimmer, in your eyes. I see the wonder, burn behind. I try to imagine, this can’t be real. I try to stay true to what I feel. Yet I can’t. I can’t.”

“Mystical Vibe” lyrics – 2008

In the years after, I trained and trained. Pilar was helping me find my chest voice, learn to belt, and continue practicing the highest notes in the stratosphere. I still felt a lack of confidence transitioning between my sounds and keeping the notes fluid, but in so many other ways, I could feel myself becoming the singer I always aspired to be.

2011, The Summer of Dreams

The summer of 2011 was full of dreams coming true. I was ready to begin recording my songs again in a recording studio, planning my wedding, and venturing into the entertainment industry with a new company my parents were the co-owners of. The sky was the limit and I felt like my wings were just beginning to take flight.

I recorded five songs that summer. Each song was full of lyrics that had meaning to me. Pilar and I worked together to figure out the chords for each song and the studio did a wonderful job producing the background tracks.

When I listen to the songs now, I feel so many emotions. I can hear the flaws in my vocals that I had yet to fine tune in some songs, but I can also hear the passion in my voice. The one song I still listen to with pride is “Stepping Stone”. I wrote it about my husband, Gwith, and the song came out nearly flawless because my passion overtook my nerves. Instead of focusing on perfection, I focused on my emotions.

“There’s a million sounds, yet you’re the only one I hear. There’s a million moments, but I can only recall just one.”

“Stepping Stone” lyrics – 2011

By summer’s end though, my adult life was beginning in so many unpredictable ways. By the fall, Gwith and I had moved to Southern California – not to pursue my music, but for an entirely different adventure.

When Your Dreams Take a Detour

My path changed in the blink of an eye and I never saw it coming. Suddenly, 10 years had passed and I realized I was missing the heart of me, my music.

I haven’t been in a recording studio in over a decade and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel that void every day. I often wonder if it will ever happen again or if my dream has died.

Recapturing My Passion and Following My Dreams

Last year, after nearly a decade without voice lessons, I reconnected with Pilar. Now, every other week, or sometimes just once a month, I get the chance to hone my craft. For just an hour, I get swept away into a fantasy world where I believe I’m practicing towards something. Then just as quickly as it begins, the hour ends and my dreams dim back into the background.

Vocally, I have never sounded better. My range is insane and I finally feel a confidence when I sing that I was looking for my whole life. The struggles I faced at 19 with balancing my chest and mix voice no longer exist and I know how to control my voice with ease. My problems with following rhythm are long gone thanks to teaching myself basic guitar over the years. I don’t have much time to practice guitar, so I’m sure my playing could use enormous work, but it gets the job done. I can accompany myself with basic chords and when I write my own songs, I’m able to figure out the chords and write the basic score for my music.

Dreaming of the Future

Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I try to believe my dreams aren’t over.

I’d like to think they aren’t. Part of what keeps me going is that little flicker of hope that one day, I’ll be in a recording studio again. Or on stage performing my songs. Or even at this point, I’d settle for someone else’s songs and maybe even becoming a wedding singer when my kids are older.

I just miss it. I miss this part of me. Without it, I’m not complete.

I know I’m not the only stay-at-home mom out there who looks back at the things I love, hoping to bring them back into my life. What dream or passion of yours has taken a backseat? Sound off in the comments, and please, take this blog as a reminder that you need to follow your dreams too!

“Not everything is meant to be incredibly easy. If it was, there wouldn’t be dreams. Sometimes when the stars shine in the night, I dream of a whole world gone by.”

“Dreams” lyrics – 2022

My opportunities are limited as a stay-at-home mom but I’m going to start trying to prioritize releasing clips of my songs or even just sharing myself practice on my Instagram stories. Be sure to follow me at @lifeinsteppingstones. You can also download my song “Stepping Stone” for free.