“Life won’t wait for the perfect moment — and neither should you.”
I’ve been through a lot over the years. Moments that have nearly broken me. Moments that have filled me with more joy than I ever thought possible. But that’s life, isn’t it? A bunch of moments where choices are made, sometimes by us, and sometimes for us because fate just steps in. It’s unpredictable. But the one thing you can control is how you choose to go forward. I think that’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned this past year. As a mom, life constantly feels like an endless spiral full of pressure, exhaustion, and no time for ourselves. And let’s never forget the mom guilt. That moment when we do make time for ourselves and yet we feel endlessly guilty about it because somewhere in our brains we think that means we somehow love our children less. There’s this idea that if we aren’t 100% fulfilled by our children, we’re doing something wrong.
But that’s crazy.
I love my kids. They are my world. I love my husband. He’s my world too.
But you know what I also love? Music. Writing. Creating. Without those parts of myself, I’m not me.
The Moment I Realized My Dreams Were on Hold
Back in 2019, after our restaurant shut down because of the Woolsey Fire and I suffered my miscarriage, I was probably at one of the lowest points of my life. We had lost our life savings and it just seemed like every dream I ever had for myself was a million miles away.
I sat down to write a song: Dreams. As I began to strum the guitar, I looked outside to the foggy morning mist that always surrounded our house in Newbury Park, California. It looked like how I felt. Dreary. Cold. Yet I knew it would clear and the sun would eventually come out.
Suddenly, I began to write.
“Waking up with those misty eyes / I want to know I’ll be alright / Sometimes when the clouds part in the sky / I see a million dreams fly by.”
While I continued to sing, I battled with the guilt I felt over wishing for something more. Here I had a beautiful son and a wonderful husband but I wasn’t happy because of the challenges that were currently unfolding. It was really hard to see beyond them.
“Oh I’m just going through all the days commotions / I love what I have but sometimes I still dream.”
I sat there thinking about what I wanted out of life. What was I missing that was making me so sad? We had spent years putting every bit of energy into our restaurant that no longer existed. We rarely got to spend time together away from it and when we did, my husband’s mind was always at the restaurant. The savings that I once thought I would use to record an album someday was also gone. The next child I thought we’d have was no longer a reality – and for so long I wondered if it was because of the stress of everything we were going through. Had I just been in a better place, would that have changed things?
The words and hope of every dream I had, in my mind, lost, spilled out of me. The idea of creating happy memories as a family and actually spending time with my husband again instead of him working endlessly. Singing my songs and sharing them. As I wrote, I could feel just how much I wanted to believe these moments would come true for me.
“I want to drive across country with my family / and sing on stage like in my fantasies / and dance with my husband after midnight”
But my eyes welled and reality struck. How could any of those things ever happen when life just continues to rain down on us?
“But sacrifices are made / bills need to be paid / and dreams are a fantasy / I live in reality/ Life can be a bitch / the hits just keep on coming / but I can’t stop to flinch because the bliss is worth the running”.
I wanted so badly to just yell and scream. Let out every pain I felt and yet somehow, my optimistic side was breaking through, just like the sun was between the misty sky outside. I couldn’t help it. As much as I tried to squash that side of myself, it was still there, underneath all of the agony I was feeling – and it was coming out as I wrote the song.
“There are days when I’m feeling lost / and think about what I’ve found / when the rain falls from the sky / I catch drops on my tongue like dreams of mine”
Before I knew it, I was crying. But not because I was sad. Because I was hopeful and the words began to spiral out of me again.
“I’m gonna travel the world with my family / and watch my kids grow to do amazing things / maybe I’ll even sing on stage someday / or record my songs for my grandkids to play”
In that moment, I realized that I had to stop putting my dreams on hold because of fear. I had to let myself hope that life would turn around.
What “Dreams” Taught Me About Hope
It didn’t happen instantly. It’s been years of a constant struggle of still believing these dreams were entirely out of reach. But writing this song, in that moment, gave me an underlying belief that it was all still there.
Within the year, we had our beautiful rainbow baby. Of course, then Covid hit and I think everyone in the world’s dreams got put on hold. Just as the world settled down again though, I began to think maybe I would finally record my songs. Finally. My husband’s job was solid, even if it meant him traveling constantly. We had our two kids and while I was exhausted as a mom, I thought, “Maybe I can find the time somehow.” But just as life does, everything got crazy again. Suddenly, we were moving to New Zealand and every thought I had about doing something for myself went straight out the window.
Time passed by. We all settled into our lives as a family in Auckland. I was busy writing an online soap opera stories, our oldest was in primary school and our youngest at kindergarten (which is pre-school here!), and my husband was traveling to the states every two months for work, for weeks at a time. We were so busy that I barely ever had a chance to sing, let alone think about recording an album. In my head though, I just said to myself that once both kids were in primary school, maybe I’ll have the chance to find a studio out here. Of course, with my husband’s schedule, I wasn’t quite sure how I’d ever have the time to record with him traveling so much back and forth.
Then late last year, out of the blue, my husband was let go from the job he had worked so hard for. A job that he was at for 6 years and had constantly dangled the promise of a huge promotion.
Over the past year, we’ve dipped into our savings while he’s figured out what his next move will be. Of course, while all of this was going on, it resurrected old pains of mine. Old worries that once again, my dreams of recording my songs one day were dashed. I saw history repeating itself. A savings that would never be used to pursue my goals. A life where I would continue to just wish and never actual be able to pursue.
But I woke up one day and realized something: life is always going to throw new challenges our way. We can’t avoid it. But we also can’t let that stop us from doing what we need to do for ourselves. So instead of letting my “responsible” and “practical” side take over, I decided it was time to take a different route.
Here I was, with two kids in primary school, my husband finally home, and we were spending all of our time stressing about the future rather than living our future.
Your Dreams Still Matter — Even as a Mom…Especially as a Mom
I looked up recording studios in Auckland and stumbled upon one that I fell in love with. I reached out, told my husband I wanted to spend a little of our savings to finally record a few songs and he laughed at me.
Not a patronizing, “how could you think it’s wise to spend our money on this right now” laugh. No. It was a, “why do you sound like you’re asking to do this” laugh? And an “Of course you’re doing this” laugh. He was so excited for me that I was finally taking this step for myself.
I grew up always believing that saving money was there solely to ensure you have something for the tough times. And to an extent, that’s obviously true. But it also has to be there for other things. To do the things you love. The things that make you happy. Because if you’re not doing those things, what’s the point of any of it? At the end of the day, doing those things also helps keep your brain healthy so you can continue to pursue the goals you need to continue to thrive in life.
Teaching our kids that investing in ourselves is one of the most important lessons we can possibly teach them. Since I began recording, my kids have been blasting my songs and my ten year old son has told me on multiple occasions how proud he is of me. I don’t know if my music will ever make it big but it’s not about that. It’s about doing something for me. Something I’ve always dreamed of doing.
In many ways, right now seemed like the most improbable time to do this. But I think that’s what made it perfect in the end. Because instead of saying, “Life is too tough right now, I’ll prioritize myself later,” I said, “No. There is no such thing as a perfect time. I need to prioritize myself now.”
What started as recording three songs has since turned into working on a full album. And as I work on it, my husband is also working on starting a local fish butchery and seafood shop with his best friend.
I truly believe that the hardest experiences in life are there to make room for the great ones.
So please. Stop telling yourself your dreams can wait. The perfect timing will never come. It doesn’t exist. But you exist. And your dreams exist. Let go of your mom-guilt and all of the pressures you put on yourself daily. Take this moment to figure out what you want out of life, right now, and just go for it.
Listen to Dreams on Spotify or Apple Music.