Life in Stepping Stones

Since the day my daughter was born, I couldn’t help but notice the many differences between my children. The meticulous nature of my daughter vs the spontaneity of her brother. My son is always the showman, shouting “watch this”, “take a video of this!”, “mommy, look!”, while our daughter prefers to observe and take it all in. In fact, if I take out my camera for a photo or video, she stops everything she is doing and just stands there deadpan. I could go on and on, because honestly, my children are opposites on almost everything. Yet somehow they are, at these ages, the yin to the other’s yang.

If your children are opposites like mine, sometimes you may ask yourself, “Is it okay if I compare my children?” The truth is, it’d be impossible not to notice the differences between my children. But there’s a difference between “comparing” and “observing”, and I think sometimes people don’t understand there’s a healthy distinction.

As I shared my observations with friends on social media, I received a comment from someone I know, telling me that I shouldn’t “compare” my kids. That I should love them equally.

Admiring Your Children for Who They Are

Comparing implies passing judgement. However, my observations are not judgmental or critical. I don’t view their differences as negatives. In fact, I view them as assets. Not just to them, but for me as a parent. I have two very different children and to ignore their differences and parent them the same way would be a disservice to both of them.

As I watched my daughter trying to take her first steps, holding on to her toy piano and slowly maneuvering her body to ensure she wouldn’t fall, I felt a sense of calm, knowing she’s so cautious. I admire her ability to observe her surroundings, slowly practice, and work her way to being confident before accomplishing her goal. Once she’s accomplished her goal, she feels confident and ready to take on the world without holding back. The world is her oyster and she is completely fearless once that confidence kicks in.

At the same time, I admire my son’s ability to jump head first into a situation, enjoying the freedom and the adventure along the way. If it looks exciting and fun to him, he’s right there, ready to go. At the same time, if something is a “red flag” to him, he won’t even consider trying it. He’s got a combination of his dad’s brain (always the “do-now think-later” as a child) and mine (the “cautious, I need to think this through”) and it is fascinating to see.

The Beauty of Observing, not Comparing, Your Children’s Differences

As a parent, it’s my job to observe these differences and aid them both as they grow. One day, I’ll probably have to help my daughter learn to let loose and not be so in her head about every decision she makes. My son, I’ll have to make sure that he learns that some things you do have to think through and you can’t dive straight into your decision, whether that decision is a “yes” or a “no”. Not everything is black and white.

What’s beautiful though is while watching these two together, they’re already teaching each other these wonderful lessons. When my son plays with his sister, she’s playful and spontaneously jumping all over him, joyfully racing him across the house, and excitedly following him to see what crazy thing he’ll do next. When he’s playing with her at the park, he watches around to ensure that she is safe. He informs other kids coming up the slide that his baby sister is about to go down. Then he cuddles her and slides down with her, putting his foot in front of her to make sure she doesn’t go down too fast.

Supporting Your Children’s Individual Interests

Growing up as a second child, I was very torn. On one hand, I’d compare myself to my sister and wish I could be an academic like her. On the other hand, I was adamant that she and I could not do the same activities. If I wanted to play tennis or violin, she couldn’t possibly want to do those activities too.

I was desperate to be “different” and yet desperate to also be “the same”. Luckily for me, my sister hated violin (which actually I discovered we have that in common) and her hand eye coordination is zilch, so there was no overlap when it came to tennis…although she is secretly a superhero because she has been known to catch a glass in mid air as it was falling off the table.

As I grew up, I realized it was okay if we both enjoyed some of the same things. We are sisters after all. I also realized it was okay that some things we don’t share. Although, I’m still a bit jealous of those superhero ninja powers…but who wouldn’t be?

Different People, Different Passions

My parents were always pretty good at nurturing the differences between my sister and I. However, when I was in elementary school, before I really knew how to push and express what was important to me, we’d take trips to the bookstore regularly. My dad has always loved to read, and my sister was a very active reader as a child. We’d arrive at the store and my dad would tell us, “you can get as many books as you want.” While my sister excitedly ran off to build her collection, I’d thumb through the books, knowing not a single one was interesting to me.

I’d get a few books because I didn’t want to feel left out. However, what I truly wanted was the new CD by some pop artist sitting at the checkout counter. Or the VHS or DVD, with some movie or TV show I wanted to watch. Eventually, in middle school, I made it clear to my mom that I found this unfair. I didn’t want to get books. I remember asking her, why was there no limit to buy books but a limit to getting DVDs?

Even Interests that May Seem Frivolous May Not Be

Many people would scoff even now and say there’s a clear educational difference between the two. Books have always been looked at in high esteem vs television, which many people still see as frivolous entertainment. But actually, both can be educational in their own way. My love of watching TV shows is why I started using video editing software at 10 years old. Admiring the transitions in TV shows or the artwork on a DVD cover or menu is what inspired me to become a video editor and graphic designer. Maybe some people watch television to veg out, but that wasn’t me. I watched and admired the art of it all. (Read How to Make Positive Screen Time for Kids)

I’m 31 years old and this year, I finally started reading books. As a kid, reading a book seemed so boring. Now that I’m at a place in my life where there’s constant noise around me and I’m always watching my kids on high alert, I find it extremely peaceful to sit down, read a book, and not have to hear sounds or look at anything else. But growing up, that didn’t appeal to me at all, and that’s okay.

Gazing Into the Crystal Ball

I don’t know who my children will be one day…but it’s fun to guess.

Our Greatest Showman, with a Programmer’s Brain

My son could be an actor, or maybe a video game coder, or an animator. He loves to put on a show, whether it’s through his own acting or animated characters on a coding app he has. He loves to play with his legos, imagining a whole other world, but when it comes to actually building with them, he’d much rather hand them off to me. It’s the imaginary play that excites him, not the process to get there.

He could also be a mathematician. Seriously. This kid is brilliant. He’s in kindergarten and already spouting out multiplication facts and making up his own algebra problems (“Mommy plus Daddy equals 10 because there’s five letters in each word.”). I, on the other hand, had to be bribed at 9 years old just to learn addition and subtraction, and frankly, I still pull out my phone calculator to calculate anything.

Our Tiny Dancer with Her Toes in the Sand

My daughter could be a singer, a dancer, an artist, an architect, or something else that I can’t even guess right now (she’s not even 2, she certainly hasn’t discovered many of her interests yet!). But at this age, she loves to delicately hit the notes on her piano. She knows only a handful of words but she still tries to sing along to her favorite songs. At any given moment of the day, she will race off to our music player and request we turn it on so that she can dance to her heart’s content.

She’s also an outdoorsy girl at heart and if given the choice, would spend her entire life outside running barefoot in the grass. Yet, she can also sit inside and sift through books for an hour, staring at every word like it means something to her. She loves to scribble, and she also loves to take apart her brother’s large blocks and stack them back together… She and I will definitely be completing his Lego sets together one day.

Nurturing Their Differences for the Future

They are so different right now but it’s important to recognize that their differences aren’t set in stone. Maybe one day my son will love building with his legos. Maybe one day my daughter will want to be in front of the camera putting on a show rather than stopping everything she does the second I have it out. Or maybe these things will never change and that’s okay too. Whatever they’re interested in, I will nurture them along the way while they discover who they are and what they love.

Be Proud of Your Children’s Differences

My children’s differences are what makes them unique. I tell my son and my daughter I’m proud of them throughout the day. As their mom, it is my job to make sure they know I admire them for who they are. When they accomplish something that excites them, I’m right there to praise them. I don’t “compare” them and remind them about their differences, because they are always evolving.

I don’t want them to ever think they can’t change and grow. At the same time though, it’s essential to me that I understand who they are at their core and parent them based on that information. They may always be two very different people, or their surroundings may evolve them to overlap in various ways.

Either way, it’s important that they know they can be different from each other. It’s also important that they know they can explore and end up sharing some of the same interests. It’s important that they know that their traits and talents are unique to them and that it’s a beautiful thing.

We live in a day and age where everybody compares themselves to everyone else and thinks, “why can’t I be more like that?” Instead of negatively comparing, we should admire our differences and recognize our own strengths. Somebody else’s life is not our own, nor should it be.