Growing Up in the Wake of Columbine
I was 8 years old when the first of many mass shootings in my lifetime, Columbine, happened only 20 minutes from my house. I don’t remember when I heard about it. But I remember the trauma that it caused me back then, and still now.
I remember walking down the halls to use the bathroom as a little elementary school girl, checking behind me every time I heard footsteps. When I heard someone approach a corner, I would run as fast I could to get back to my classroom. I lived in terror. I still can visually picture the day I went to the nurses office, feeling sick. I was lying down in bed, the curtain pulled around me, and the nurse said she’d be right back. Every time I heard someone approach, I held my breath. Was this the moment? Was this the moment I was going to die? These are not thoughts any 8 year old should ever have.
My son in 6 years old and looks forward to every Tuesday. Every Tuesday is library day at school. Do you know what my library day was in my mind? It was a day of terror. Every time I visited the library at school, I would be reminded of Columbine. I still remember the feeling of walking the halls to the library with my class, fearful of entering. At 8 years old, you envision everything in your own setting. I pictured the events of Columbine in my own library elementary school every time I entered. By the time I reached middle school, I never went into a library again, unless it was required on a random day in class.
In 1999, Columbine was a shocking attack. Yet it didn’t feel like common practice.
The Trauma of Mass Shootings as an Adult
I’m 31 years old and I not only live with that trauma, but the trauma of every shooting since then. I’ve been lucky to never be in a mass shooting situation. But that doesn’t mean the trauma of it doesn’t stay with me.
I don’t go to the movies. I don’t bring my kids there ever. After the Aurora shootings, I can’t sit inside a theater without staring at the exit and imagining not being able to escape.
I rarely go shopping at the mall. When I enter a store, I think to myself, “where would I go if I heard gunfire? Is there a back exit?” I enter Target and the supermarket planning out where I would run if a shooter entered.
People wonder why stores are failing to bring in customers. They wonder why everyone in my generation and younger is turning to online. They wonder why movie theaters are closing and why Netflix and chill is much more popular.
Well this is your answer. My generation and all of the generations after me don’t want to leave the house. When we do, we wonder if it’s the last time we’ll ever get to go out. Is the experience of getting new shoes worth it? Is going to a music festival worth the risk of death?
I ask you: Is this the world you want your children and your grandchildren growing up in? A world where they’re too afraid to leave the house. A world where when they do, they plan their escape routes and worry that a simple trip to the grocery store could be their last day alive?
Should We Pass Common Sense Gun Laws?
I don’t care about your political beliefs. I don’t care about your gun “rights”. I care about people. I care about their lives.
If you’re focusing your energies right now on saving people’s rights to bare arms, you’re the one politicizing guns. You’re the one politicizing death. We grow up being told that material things don’t define us, yet look at society. People are more concerned about losing their guns than their children.
Why are we the only country that has mass shootings every week? Every month? Every year? If you can’t look past your own nose to see what our country is doing differently, it’s hard for me to believe you give a damn about our children and their lives.
I feel helpless to live in a country where people believe doing anything and everything to protect the lives of children, and adults, is some political act. Keeping guns away from dangerous people is not a political act. It’s an act of humanity.
Gun Violence is a Mental Health Issue: “Guns Don’t Kill People, People Kill People”
I know what you’re going to say: It’s not the gun’s fault, people kill people not guns. And I mean, you’re clearly right. When this country discovered that crib bumpers were unsafe, they said, it’s not the bumpers fault, it’s the baby’s fault for rolling into them.
Oh wait…no. They didn’t say that. They deemed crib bumpers unsafe and warned every parent not to use them.
When a hot air-balloon ride killed people in Texas, they said, it’s not the hot air balloon’s fault, it’s the people who decided to fly that day.
Oh wait…no. They didn’t say that. They passed legislature to make the flights safer.
When 9/11 occurred, they said, it’s not the terrorists fault, it’s the passengers who flew on the plane’s fault.
Oh wait…no. They didn’t say that either. They put security checks at every airport with a thousand rules to prevent another 9/11 from ever happening again.
On a level, I agree that there is a mental health issue in this country. I fully support legislature to help those with mental health issues. Yet, the same politicians claiming that “guns don’t kill people” and “it’s a mental health crisis” are blocking legislature to also aid mental health.
These Mass Shootings Can’t Be Stopped: Criminals Will Just Get Guns Illegally
Maybe this isn’t your argument. Maybe you agree it’s the gun. Maybe your argument is, “they would just get the gun illegally, so why should we keep guns from the regular folks?” Every story of these heinous shootings are about people who got the guns, legally. I know people seem to believe that 18 year olds are deeply connected to the gangs, the mafia, and illegal gun sellers, but they’re not. These are not well connected people. These are random, sick minded people who on any bad day can just walk into a store because they’re angry at the world, buy a gun and proceed to kill innocent people. Innocent children.
But I also ask you, say they could get it illegally. Isn’t that a reason alone to start making it harder to get guns in general and crack down on the illegal gun trade as well? Am I the only person who wants them confiscated to protect lives?
My Thoughts and Prayers in the Wake of Another Mass Shooting
These arguments hold no water. They’re excuses to cover the simple truth that, if these are in fact your arguments, you care more about your “right” to bare arms than a child’s right to live.
My Thoughts First
You give your thoughts and your prayers but all you’re thinking is, “don’t take away my guns” and all you’re praying and preaching is, “I’m sorry for your loss, but please don’t take my guns away.”
Do you know what my thoughts and prayers are every time this happens? My thoughts are that the politicians and the people who vote for them are heartless. They don’t care about the lives lost. They don’t care about the pain their parents, friends, and family feel forever more. They don’t care about the trauma that every single child is growing up with, regardless of if they witnessed a shooting or not. They care about their guns. Their precious guns. Their precious “rights”.
Now For My Prayers
Do you know what I pray for? I pray that these politicians and their voters will finally realize our children do matter more than the “right” to bare arms. Or if that still doesn’t matter to you, think about your failing business. If you want future generations to enter your store instead of buying online, so you can still have a job, make the world goddamn safer.
Nobody should have the right to kill. But everybody should have the right to live.
My Child’s Future in a World of Gun Violence and Mass Shootings
It’s been 23 years since Columbine and yesterday, I spent $600 to buy my son a bullet proof kid’s hoodie and bullet proof backpack/binder insert. As long as nobody else in this country is doing anything to protect our children, I no longer have a choice but to do the only thing I can to protect mine.
Soon, I’m going to have to sit my son down and talk to him. I’m going to have to break that beautiful, happy, spirit of his and hit him with the reality of our country. I hate that he will feel the trauma I’ve grown up with. I hate it and I don’t know how to process it myself. But to keep him safe, it’s what I have to do, because nobody else is doing anything.
I beg you. I plead to you. Make this change. Put your own pride aside and save lives. Be a hero. Let our kids grow up without this trauma. Let our kids grow up carefree. Fuck that. Just let our kids get the chance to grow up.
I am so glad Your sister posted your blog on her Facebook page, so more people could read it & help take action. Justine it is so well written & brought tears to my eyes, thinking what you 2 went thru living thru Columbine & later Aurora! Thank you for the post!
I agree with you so much! As a former teacher, I remember the fear I always felt when I saw someone I didn’t recognize in the school. As a mom I can’t imagine the discussion I’ll be having with my son in one year when he has his first active shooter drill as a kindergartener. This needs to end.