Change is inevitable. There are moments in life when something about it just doesn’t feel right. Every sign is screaming at you to turn back. You feel a pit in the middle of your stomach and you can’t shake the feeling that what you’re doing is a bad idea.
But then there are moments when despite your fears, the pieces are all falling into place around you and you can’t help but notice. Something feels right. Even if you’re scared of the unknown, or the idea of change fills you with so much anxiety you can’t think straight— there’s also this underlying calm. The feeling that you know you’re making the right decision. That’s how I felt about our decision to move to New Zealand.
Deciding to Move to New Zealand
Back in June of 2022, I was the first one to mention to my husband the idea of moving to his home country, New Zealand. Of course, after I did, the idea got put on the back burner as life carried on. Then one day, near the end of summer, my dad came to me after a conversation with my husband: “I hear you’re ready to move to New Zealand”. Suddenly, it was real — and just like that, I was terrified. It had been my suggestion months before and yet the second it was mentioned to me, I felt ambushed.
The reason I was so upset though was because I knew the reality of it: as much as I’d miss certain aspects of our life here in the USA, I knew in my heart that raising our kids in New Zealand would be the healthier choice. I cried because I was mourning what I knew was coming to an end. This was real. This was happening.
At the time, it felt sudden. It felt like we were minutes away from packing our bags, loading up a container of our things, and jet setting overseas. It’s almost funny looking back and realizing how naive we were to the process ahead of us!
It’s been quite a year of getting all of our ducks in a row… and I know there’s so much more to come even once we get to New Zealand.
Telling Our Children We’re Moving
Talking to Our Oldest Child About Moving
Once we settled on our decision to move, I knew that I didn’t want to keep it a secret from our oldest child. The idea of having this big secret was weighing on me, even if the move itself was a year away.
We told him right away last July and he was, as I expected, devastated at first. However, giving him that extra time gave him far more time to process. While he is still sad sometimes about leaving, he is also excited to live near his cousins and experience some perks of going to school in New Zealand. I’m looking at you, “no homework” until high school and sushi on the primary school lunch menu. Some days, he asks me, “Mommy. Why do we have to move?” and I have to remind him of our reasons. Other days, he cries: “Mommy. Why didn’t we move already? I don’t want to miss my cousin’s birthday!” It’s a bit of an emotional rollercoaster to say the least!
With that said, we’ve constantly kept him a part of the process, whether it’s been looking at homes on an app, or visiting New Zealand with him last year to get to know the areas, and I’m so grateful we did that. Nothing has been a shock to him apart from the initial talk we had.
Talking to Our Toddler About Moving
Over the past year, I’ve slowly mentioned things about the move to our daughter. I’d show her homes on my phone and say, “Which one do you like? Do you want to live there?” She had a lot of fun flipping through the pictures. Once we settled on a house last month, I began showing her photos and telling her that will be our new house. Now, she asks for my phone constantly to see the “new house”.
I explained to her simply that we will be packing and moving. Honestly, I was worried that she wouldn’t understand the idea of her belongings disappearing for some time. However, she’s grasped the concept quite well!
She’s three years old and she asks me simple questions, “Care Bear coming?”, “My bed coming?”, etc. The other day she saw me packing a box of her things (memories and keepsakes), and she started dropping her toys into it because she wanted to make sure they came to the new house too! She’s even offered to help pack multiple times!
Processing the Decision to Move Internationally
As hard and confusing as it’s been to get everything in order, it’s also been extremely helpful. When this year began, I felt devastated because I knew this was the year we’d be leaving. But the longer it’s taken to get everything organized, the more time I’ve had to process our move.
Normally when you think of the Stages of Grief, you think of death. But there are many situations that can trigger grief, including making an enormous life change. Truth be told, I’ve gone through every stage of grief at this point.
Stage 1: Denial
When I first floated the idea of moving to my husband last June, it was an impulsive thought brought on by the Uvalade shooting… and every other shooting that has occurred over the years. Time passed though and I started to believe the move wouldn’t happen. I was in complete denial and was happy living in the mindset that the conversation had been put on the back burner.
Stage 2: Anger
The moment my dad came to me and the situation became real, I was furious. Even though it had been my suggestion, I was blaming everyone else for “forcing me” into the decision. I felt an immense pressure to be okay with it but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t. Back and forth throughout the year, I’ve felt plenty of anger. Mostly, towards the entire situation of feeling “forced” to leave because this country’s politicians are jeopardizing our children’s future for their own political gain. Even though, there are far more reasons driving our decision to move at this point.
Stage 3: Bargaining
What if I could just accept the anxiety I live with every time I send my son to school? What are the odds of something terrible happening? I tried to create these ideas in my head where we could stay here and I just wouldn’t worry. After all, anything can happen anywhere so was this really different?
The answer by the way is: yes, it is.
Another question that floated constantly through my mind was are we running away from something? And is it okay to run away?
I know there are plenty of challenges ahead of us and I’m sure I’ll have many things to be anxious about (I’m a parent after all), but constantly checking for exits and holding my breath sending my kid to school, won’t be on that list. To not have every outing plagued with fear will be a relief.
When I’ve spoken to parents in other countries, they often exclaim: “I don’t know how you raise your children there. I could never handle that fear.” That’s how I know it’s different elsewhere. It has to be.
When we traveled to New Zealand late last year with the move heavy on our minds, I noticed something. Despite how stressed I was about the move, there was also an overwhelming sense of calm that washed over me daily. I looked and felt more relaxed, regardless of the stress I was under. I could take my son to an arcade and play laser tag, without my brain wandering to terrifying scenarios.
Maybe there are parents out here in the USA who don’t live with these thoughts… and they’re lucky. I on the other hand, grew up with Columbine happening 15 minutes away and spent every year of my school life looking behind me when I heard a sound in the hall. Unfortunately, many of todays youth are growing up feeling this exact same way. If I have the option to keep my kids from this feeling, why not take it? Our country shouldn’t be normalizing this feeling, yet many of us are because we feel trapped.
I realized though: I alone can’t change what’s happening out here. But I can give my kids a healthier atmosphere to grow up in.
Sometimes running away, isn’t running away at all. Maybe instead, you’re just running towards something healthier. Happier.
Stage 4: Depression
At this point of course, I knew the move was inevitable. The new year had begun and all I could see was a ticking clock at the life and friendships we’d leave behind. I felt consumed to the point where every day was a constant anxiety attack. To be honest, the first half of this year was a complete blur to me. The sea of depression I was in constantly took over. It wasn’t until my husband and I took a trip to Europe for nearly two weeks in May, that I finally felt my sanity come back. Only then, was I able to look at our future with a clear head.
Stage 5: Acceptance
After our trip, we took another trip to New Zealand. This time, we were checking out homes, with a serious intent to buy. It was during this visit that I felt the comfort from our 2022 trip return. I knew instantly that this was truly the right decision for our family.
Since that trip, it has been a rollercoaster of planning. From finding the right home in the area we wanted, to packing our entire house.
Despite how stressful it’s been though, I’m finally at the point where I’m excited to start the next phase of our lives. Instead of looking at this move as a terrifying change, I’m now looking at it as a new adventure.
At the end of the day, change is inevitable. So instead of fighting it, it’s time to take a deep breath and just focus on the future.
When I moved from Colorado to California, I cried myself to sleep every night. To be honest, the first few years in California were rocky. I hated our first house, I hated our first neighborhood, and my job at the time was full of emotional stress.
But like everything else, I got through it. Eventually, we took adventure after adventure here in California and settled into a home, a neighborhood, and a life that in so many ways I have loved. But in the end, what I love about it isn’t the home. Or the neighborhood. It’s the family I have. The love that fills our home. And that will follow us anywhere.
So with that, I’m ready. Our life is only beginning and I’m excited to turn the page of this endless book and begin the next chapter.
Thank you for reading.
Follow me on Instagram and Facebook to continue to follow my journey.
I admire your honesty in writing this story. You all the scary and exciting things about making this decision. I understand you wanting to have a safer upbringing for your kids and they will get to know Gwithyen’s family better. I applaud your willingness to make such a huge change. (Ask your dad, I always resisted change). I’m sure you’ll miss your CA family and they’ll miss you too. God’s blessings to you and the family.
We will miss you and your beautiful family!