Life in Stepping Stones

You know it’s a big milestone in life when it’s a moment you can still remember. Toddlers grow up and they don’t remember everything they did when they were little (although Bailey’s memory is like an elephant so he may debunk that theory!). I don’t remember everything I did. However, I still remember my very first day of preschool. I nervously cowered behind my mom’s leg, wrapped my arms around it, and did not want to say goodbye. It was an extremely hard day for me and the first time I was “forced” to be on my own. Now let’s face it, with my personality type, I still don’t like going to things by myself! If I sign up for a class for fun somewhere, my stomach is full of belly worms as I anxiously await my first day, whether it’s a dance class, an art class, anything. I’d still rather take my mom with me to class. Or my sister. Or another friend. I just don’t like to enjoy things alone and clearly I’ve been like that since the very first day of preschool. Even watching my favorite TV shows I’d prefer having someone else sit beside me so I can enjoy it with them! If I’m not, I’m texting my sister every second about whatever it is I’m watching.

Preschool is full of memories for me. From the unimportant ones to the ones that changed my life. I remember the first time I dyed a piece of bread with food coloring and I thought it was amazing. I remember lying on the floor during nap time, staring at the clock, and thinking “when will this end!?!?”. I’m still not a napper so in retrospect, this really comes as no surprise. I remember the day we went to a matzah factory and learned how it was made and got to make some ourselves… which by the way, even though I’m gluten free now, if I could tour another matzah factory I would. That place was awesome. I also remember when there was a fire at a store across the street and the teachers chose that day to teach us about the burning bush. Not the best lesson choice. I thought the tree outside was the burning bush and was going to burn down! This is probably where my entire lifelong fear of fire stems from. And then I remember the first time I was bullied when this mean girl, Justina (why did she have to have almost my name?!), knocked over my building blocks and laughed at me…but soon after that, I remember meeting my best friend Rachel who happily played with me. She taught me how to pump my knees on the swing to go higher and higher. We became inseparable and suddenly preschool didn’t seem so bad. And bonus, we began a lifelong friendship that has continued throughout our lives.

I cried, multiple times, about my son’s very first day at preschool. In fact, I’m tearing up right now writing those words. It’s not just because it’s such a big milestone but because it really is the beginning of his world. Stories I won’t be in. Moments where he’ll have to make his own choices and learn. The good, the bad, the unknown grey areas. It’s all happening.

Part of me hopelessly wanted him to clutch my leg and nervously enter that school, unsure of a day without mommy and daddy. However, that’s not Bailey. In this aspect, he is absolutely, 120% nothing like me. He was confident. He was elated. He was eager to be on his own for the very first time in his young life. After staying for five minutes, he had already run off onto the playground. We walked to him to say goodbye and I gave him two kisses and two cuddles before leaving. And don’t fool yourself, it was 100% for me. He was ready to go. I said goodbye and as I turned around to look back, there he was, holding his new teacher’s hand and walking back onto the playground, ready to begin his life story.

I got home and I cried. I knew I couldn’t handle hours of anxiously waiting to know how his first day was so I did the best thing I could, I opened up the 3D design and animation program I learned last Spring and threw myself into a project. The distraction worked. I was so preoccupied trying to learn new things that the time flew by. It was 11:30 suddenly and I only had one more hour until I’d see my little boy and find out how his day went. I got up, went downstairs to fix myself lunch and the second I was no longer distracted, I sighed one of those loud Blair Warner sighs from “The Facts of Life”, and then I cried, again. It’s amazing how in mere seconds, my brain was overwhelmed all over again. With the amount of times I cried, I felt like Buffy in the episode “Triangle” where she just kept ridiculously crying over everything, no matter how big or small. So I ate my food as quickly as possible and rushed back to the computer to save myself from crying for the next hour.

An hour later it was time. My dad had arrived to join me with picking him up. When we got to the school, we opened the door to the classroom and there he was. Sitting on the couch and “reading” a book with his new friend. He got up with a giant grin on his face and ran straight over to… wait… to my dad. I was so eager to hug him and he ran straight passed me, completely and wonderfully unfazed about how hard this day was for me. He ran to get his teacher to introduce her to “Papa”. Then, he wandered back over to the toys hoping to play more. Suddenly it was clear. He was in his element. Being on his own is where he shines brightest. Part of me has always known that he’s incredibly independent but there’s nothing like seeing your kid go through their first day of preschool without a hiccup to prove that you were 100% correct.

The teacher told us how great he was. How he participated in circle time, read books, played outside, ate his lunch (and impressed them by going for his carrots and banana before his bag of chips), used the potty when it was time, and played happily with others. Not once did he question where we were because he didn’t need to. He was happy. The only thing he refused to participate in was the art project. I told his teacher I wasn’t surprised. As much as I’d love for Bailey to have my passion for arts and crafts, he never has. That is, other than two days before when he decided to open up his crayola paints and paint a room of the house while I was downstairs, blissfully unaware as to why it was so quiet upstairs. I told his teacher that if she had a wall that needed painting, he was her man but otherwise, he’s probably not going to like art projects much.

On the way home I asked him about his day. He told me all about his new friend, the slide where he went “wheeeeee!”, the tunnel he crawled through, the otter and bear book he read, the clapping during circle time, and the green car he was very excited to play with. He was positively glowing. When we asked him if he liked preschool he gleefully squealed, “Yeahhhhh!!!!”

I’m sure the next day he goes, I will once again be a blubbering mess. But I’m so unbelievably proud of him, and more than that, I admire him so much. New adventures, new people, and independence don’t scare him at all. He thrives on them and knowing that, I know whole heartedly that will take him far one day. His confidence is inspiring and I hope someday I can be as free and as at ease as him during new experiences. Who knows. It may never be in my nature but I can guarantee, unequivocally, that it is in his. I may always be that shy little preschooler at heart who prefers a hand to hold if I have the option! That’s just me. I like the comfort. I like that security blanket. But he doesn’t.

The world is his oyster and he knows it. I just can’t wait to see where he goes and what he does with that innate knowledge because he’s going to be absolutely awe inspiringly amazing.