My Rainbow Baby Diary: Chapter 2 | Life in Stepping Stones

Getting through the second month was challenging to say the least. The symptoms would come and go and I was over analyzing every moment. Yet, the entire time, I had a little voice in my head telling me that this time, everything was going to be okay. I hope you enjoy reading chapter two of my rainbow baby diary, from the stressful moments to the wacky hormones, over-the-top reactions, and our first ultrasound.
~ Justine

October 5, 2019

I woke up at 1 am terrified. I hadn’t felt overly nauseous in the evening, and when I woke up, I didn’t feel nauseous or any of my pregnancy symptoms really. I turned the tv on and watched Friends for hours to distract myself as I fretted and couldn’t fall asleep. I searched online and read plenty of positive stories about how symptoms can start and stop and start again. Logically I know this. I’ve been through it before. It doesn’t change that it now scares me beyond belief. This morning, I woke up feeling queasy with sore breasts but I still darted to the bathroom first thing and braced myself as I checked for any signs of blood. I told myself, this is it. It’s all going to be over. But there was nothing. Everything seems fine for the time being. When will the trauma I’m carrying with me end? I’m counting the weeks until my first appointment, until I hopefully find out that everything is okay. Until then, I just have to breathe.

October 7, 2019

Okay. I keep second guessing my symptoms or lack there of at certain hours of the day. I was finding it weird that I wasn’t an emotional mess yet like I was with my first pregnancy. For context, when I was pregnant with our son, I yelled and cried at my husband, Gwith, over the lack of chocolate cake in the house. And I normally hate chocolate cake.

Tonight though, my hormones clearly started to get to me. It started with the fact that I was hungry but didn’t know what I wanted to eat for dinner. I pointedly told Gwith to figure it out, while rejecting everything he offered. Finally, he offered a grilled cheese sandwich and while I wasn’t convinced, I thought it was worth a shot. Imagine my surprise when he brought it to me, I looked at it, and developed a strong urge to throw the sandwich and plate across the room like a frisbee. Luckily, I only imagined that joyous scenario in my head and didn’t actually act it out. Can you imagine the clean up? Plus I like our plates. I continued to glare at Gwith like it was all his fault. He’d make comments about something else and I’d roll my eyes. He was trying to find White Collar on Hulu and I just about bit his head off and nearly threw a piece of string cheese I was holding at his head because he wasn’t finding it fast enough. Shortly after, I ran out of that string cheese and sent him to the store to get more.

…Gwith just called to tell me they didn’t have the string cheese I wanted at the store. I nearly cried. He’s now on his way to my parents house because they have the brand of string cheese I want. Well, I may be a basket case but at least for the moment I feel reassured that I’m still pregnant.

Related Posts:

My Rainbow Baby Diary: Chapter 1

The Worst Day of My Life

The Days After

Try. Try. and Try Again.

October 20, 2019

Wow that morning sickness really kicked in. I’ve been popping anti-nausea medicine every day for the past week and I swear it’s only helping 50%. Yesterday was my son’s birthday party and I was hoping more than anything I’d feel good for it. Amazingly, I did! I think the adrenaline kicked in and the whole party I was able to smell the food we served without dying and also manage to eat and participate in the activities. I felt so good that at the end of the party I told my husband I was a little worried again with how good I felt. I was right though about the adrenaline rush. As it wore off, the nausea came back and by the evening I was running upstairs when my husband made my son a hot dog. Gwith then went out to get himself dinner (he never told me what he was eating) and he promised he’d eat it in the garage. When he came up to our second story bedroom on the opposite end of the house, I told him: “You’re no longer allowed to eat Chinese food near the house.” He looked at me dumbfounded, “How did you know?! You can’t possibly smell it from here.” I then said to him, “Did it have snow peas in it. I can smell the snow peas.” He looked at me in shock, “Yes. It had like two snow peas in the entire thing.” And for the rest of the evening I could barely sleep from that godawful smell… but at least I know my symptoms are still as strong as ever AND I was lucky enough to make it through my son’s birthday party without them!

October 22, 2019

Here comes the fear again. Today I didn’t feel as awful. I say this while fighting horrible heartburn and having very sore breasts of course. But the fact that I didn’t have to take Zofran today has made me scared. How can I not be as nauseous today? I only ate breakfast and was able to eat lettuce without gagging for lunch but apparently I think this means I’m feeling too good. It’s ridiculous, I know. I think as the days get closer to my first ultrasound, the more fear I have. I’ve been building up so many walls to protect myself, in fear that I’ll walk in there and be told something devastating again. It’s less than a week away. I just want to know. This ultrasound won’t necessarily take away the fears I feel this pregnancy but some positive news will at least stop me from fretting as much and maybe recognize that this pregnancy is just full of back-and-forth symptoms.

October 29, 2019

I had my first doctors appointment yesterday. On the way there I was shaking. I was so terrified that the ultrasound would confirm my worst fears. Fears that I have built up in my head these past few weeks, even though nothing has felt wrong. Truthfully, last pregnancy, everything felt wrong. I was constantly worried I would miscarry, my vomiting was out of control, I was severely bloated from day one, and I even ended up with stretch marks from that first trimester…yet I didn’t get any from my first entire pregnancy! This time, I haven’t once felt like anything was wrong, even when my symptoms have gone in and out. The only reason I’ve been worried is because of last time.

8 week ultrasound with rainbow baby — 8 week ultrasound photo

My fears were unfounded. As I lied there on the table and she placed that gel on my belly, I took a deep breath, ready for the outcome. Suddenly, she said, “everything looks great. There’s a heartbeat.” She turned up the volume and there it was. 140. Tears welded up in my eyes, and I brought myself to look at the ultrasound as a tear streamed down my cheek. There’s a baby in there. Everything at this moment is okay.

I still have so many weeks to get through but my doctor is amazing and will be seeing me every week for an ultrasound to check on our little one. It feels me with so much relief to know that she’ll be keeping an eye on us, but also, that if anything happens like last time, I won’t be surprised weeks later.

In my heart though, I don’t feel worried. My head is entirely different. My head is shouting “don’t write that! You’re jinxing everything,” but my heart, unlike last time, feels joy.

October 30, 2019

Song Lyrics

I sit on pins and needles waiting every day
For that news to come that will take my fears away!
I want to trust my body.
I want to trust my instincts.
The doctor found it.
That little heartbeat.
Suddenly my tears were smiling for me.