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December 4, 2019
It’s raining right now. The last time it rained as much as it’s going to this week in Southern California, I was going through the worst week of my entire life. My miscarriage. Looking out the window today and seeing the rain as I sit here 12 weeks pregnant, I feel like this year is suddenly coming full circle. I feel lighter. I feel more at ease. This entire year has felt like a long, heart wrenching journey as I’ve processed what I experienced back in January, and every day since. There’s a quote that I love that never felt more true than for this year. “The hardest thing in the world is to live in it. Be brave. Live.” Every day I’ve fought my demons and my heartache as I’ve stood up and continued to move forward the best I could.
This pregnancy has somehow made me find peace. Nothing is guaranteed and yet I feel calmer. I spent that entire last pregnancy feeling like something would go wrong any day, and it did. Like my body knew.
This time, I won’t lie, I’ve been afraid to share my news. Afraid the other shoe would drop. Yet, the entire time there has been an underlying calm repeatedly telling me everything is going to be okay.
I began this pregnancy seeing numerous miscarriage posts on the Babycenter forums and being painfully reminded, devastated, and terrified each time I saw one. In the past couple of weeks though, something inside me changed. I started reading them, offering my advice, lending my support and it’s felt really good. It feels like I’ve finally come to terms with what happened to me.
I’m holding on to our news this year, keeping it secret for a few more weeks. Originally, it was because I just wanted to wait until the end of the first trimester. Now as I near that moment, I realize it’s more than that. This is just so special to me and feels like the most wonderful kept secret, I want to hold on to that feeling a little longer. With my miscarriage, everything was so public because I had already announced my pregnancy. And honestly, I’m glad I did because I needed an outlet and I needed the support. This time though, there’s something so special about just feeling like it’s our little piece of hidden treasure being kept under lock and key. I think in some ways it’s helped me stay connected better. During a pregnancy where I spent weeks trying to disconnect myself as much as possible, keeping this secret has made me feel like this is mine. It’s my secret. It’s the one connection I could form from day one.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to announce. By the time I post this, I will have announced and I’ll have told our son the news…and that is the one thing I can’t wait for more than anything. He’s been wondering why mommy has been feeling so nauseous all the time and I know he’s been worried about me. I am counting the days until we can tell him the reason why. I just have to add- he’s going to be such a wonderful big brother. With just knowing how I’ve been feeling, he’s been constantly looking after me. Whether he’s getting me cups of water, food from the fridge (because I can’t open it without gagging), or just cuddling up to me, rubbing my forehead and telling me to feel better. I feel so beyond lucky to have such a wonderful and thoughtful son and I can’t wait to see him thrive in his big brother duties.
As I sit here, I’m closing my eyes listening to the pitter-patter of the rain. I can feel the rainbow coming and all I hear in my head is Michael Buble’s cover of “Feeling Good”.
“It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day. It’s a new life. And I’m feeling good.”
Read Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten | Chapter Eleven
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Beautiful description of that feeling you can have while trying to find peace after a miscarriage. I wish you much peace and happiness with your pregnancy and new addition to the family.
This is really cool and congrats. I remember when I saw a 3d ultrasound of my boys so sweet.