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I can’t believe that I’m almost half way through this pregnancy. Today’s entries will finally catch up to the present time in my pregnancy. I’m now in my 18th week of pregnancy and everything has been going smoothly. I spent the first trimester on constant pins and needles. The second trimester, I’ve spent feeling flutters in my belly. They’ve been inconsistent, which is absolutely normal, but it still has brought back old fears on the days where I don’t feel any movement. Luckily, I’m almost at that point where I’ll be feeling baby move a whole lot more. I’m so excited to reach that moment.
It’s been harder to connect this pregnancy because of my constant worry…but I am so excited for our little one to arrive and I know I’ll feel more and more connected as my worries continue to ease.
– Justine
December 5, 2019
It’s a good week. Damn, it’s a good week. I started the week a bundle of nerves as I awaited my NT anatomy scan. The scan where there was no heartbeat found back in January. I was terrified walking into that appointment. I had so many scenarios playing in my head from no heartbeat to some rare abnormality being discovered. Then, the scan began. First, the baby was wiggling around so obviously there’s a heartbeat. 160 again. Same as every single week. Then, the doctor checked the spine, the neck, the nose, the heart, the brain.
Everything was perfect. Our baby is perfect. Then came the big news. I could hardly believe it when she told us. We’re having a little girl! Part of me still is doubting the news because I’ve wanted a girl since I was little and didn’t want to get my hopes up. I always wanted a son first and a girl next and I’m getting that dream. She is going to be so loved. Bailey already adores her. We told him the news after picking him up from school and the first thing he did was lift up my shirt, cuddle my belly, and say “Hi baby!”. About 30 minutes later, he followed it up with a song, singing “I love you baby” to my belly. Every time I’ve mentioned to him the idea of being a big brother he always comments back with “baby sister?”. I love that he wants a sister too. I can’t wait to meet her this June. I can finally breathe again. I can finally enjoy this pregnancy. Second trimester here I come!
December 9, 2019
This little girl is definitely getting my hormones going like crazy! I remember being emotional when pregnant with my son, but I feel like it’s much more extreme since I hit 13 weeks this time around.
Anyways, let me share with you how great my day was. I say sarcastically with an eye roll. After a couple of days of having less overall nausea but still feeling incredibly picky about what to eat, I decided to drive to the supermarket and search for food. I knew I was getting a bag of Ruffles but as I wandered I then realized I wanted pizza. I excitedly made my way to the frozen food aisle in search of a cheese gluten free pizza… and there was nothing. Okay. There were gluten free pizzas but not a single plain one. As I searched up and down, I could feel myself getting angrier, and sadder, all at once. The emotions were bubbling up. Thankfully I had kept my sunglasses on, so the rest of the store didn’t witness my impending meltdown. I bought my Ruffles and left the store rattled. What was I going to do? Should I check another supermarket? Should I order a pizza from my favorite pizza place? We don’t live in the delivery radius so I would have to pick it up.
My pregnancy brain then got the better of me. I got in the car, left the parking lot, and decided, I’ll head to another supermarket to look for a pizza. As I was driving, I realized I wanted to order from my favorite pizza place after all, therefore I’d have to drive to pick it up. Suddenly I couldn’t remember how to get there, nor had I even ordered a pizza to pick up! As I’m driving along, I repeatedly hit the voice command button on the car, requesting directions, and only getting “Sorry, I didn’t get that” responses. Thank you car for knowing just how to infuriate an already frustrated pregnant lady. Thankfully, my sister happened to call me and was able to pull up a map, tell me the streets to take, and call and order the pizza for me. It was the most ridiculous experience I’ve ever encountered. I’ve driven that route a million times but suddenly I couldn’t remember how to get to the streets I needed to get to. Thankfully, I know it’s my pregnancy brain. After all, it was only two days ago I was searching the bedroom for my stretchy sweat pants…only to look down and realize I was wearing them the whole time.
January 9, 2020
It was exactly one year ago tomorrow that I found out the worst news of my entire life at 13 weeks pregnant. Now, here I am, 18 weeks pregnant with my daughter, and I’m so relieved that everything has been going smoothly. I’ve been feeling flutters and movement these past couple of weeks. Some days I don’t feel anything and my heart leaps out of my chest with fear all over again. Other days, all I feel is her, and it brings me so much peace. I can’t wait to feel her moving more and more as the weeks go by.
I feel like I’ve spent this pregnancy waiting for the other shoe to drop. First, I was terrified the first trimester of the thought of another miscarriage. When I made it through that, the doctor told us at 13 weeks she could see on the ultrasound we were having a girl, and I swear I spent the following weeks thinking that they’d change their mind on that assessment. After all, I’ve always dreamt of a little girl so that can’t possibly be right.
I had an appointment this week and once again, my regular doctor confirmed what the other doctor had said. We’re having a girl. It still doesn’t even feel real. Knowing my biggest dream is coming true. Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of a daughter and her name. I’d play my life on The Sims and give her this name. A name that, unknowingly, my future husband was also using for all of the girls he made when playing The Sims too while growing up.
Beyond dreaming of a daughter though, I always dreamed of having a son first. An older brother who would be protective of her and her heart. There are so many kids that don’t get along. So many older siblings who won’t do that for their younger one. But then there’s my son. He’s exactly the type of boy who will look after her with all of his heart. It’s just in his nature. He has such a beautiful heart and even through his worst 4 year old tantrums, at the end of the day, what matters most to him is that everyone is happy and being looked after. He’s so excited about our baby girl. Whenever he’s around baby’s in general, he glows. He instinctively plays with them, comforts them, and puts there needs first.
I remember when he was 3, he’d go to a class with his best friend and his baby brother would be sleeping in the stroller. When his brother cried, our son would be the first to rush over and rock the stroller back and forth. Just the other week, while playing at a friend’s house, her baby brother was on the floor playing with them. Our son, handed him whatever toys he wanted, and played him a “song” on the guitar to entertain him. When this same baby was at our house, our son ran around picking up every small toy that could be dangerous, without any prompting. He’s exactly the big brother I’ve always dreamed of for my daughter.
It’s surreal to be getting my dream and the truth is, I’ve been so anxious this pregnancy that it hasn’t been able to really hit me. But I know, the second she’s born and I see them together, it will. That moment will be the most magical moment of my life and I can’t wait.
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Read Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten | Chapter Eleven